Tuesday, May 4, 2010

A Constipated Brain

I wonder why it is that I stagnate my mind. Is this common? Is it a trait among...among who? Who am I? What category do I fall into? Ahh, among 'under-achievers'. Is self-stagnation a common trait among under-achievers? Just re-reading that sentence makes me feel stupid to have even asked it, and the answer must undoubtedly be "Duh....obviously yes".

I have so many interests and all of them really are steeped in art. I love sewing, gardening, writing, decorating, music, cooking, baking, and the list goes on and on. I love the creation aspect of those things...yet I never seem to get past the thinking-about-it stage of anything creative that I think about.

I am blocked. I am so totally locked up inside myself; how could I ever truly accomplish anything? It's no wonder that I've been on anti-depressants in the past...and benefited from them greatly. I realized at one point that I spent so much time going in circles in my head, dwelling constantly on an issue over, and over, and over, yet never coming to any resolution. I would just incessantly think about...whatever.

I went on a medication that didn't seem to do much but I felt a bit better, so opted to stay on that particular drug...until I learned the price. I went immediately back to my doctor and asked for something generic. I started Prozac and noticed a profound difference in a matter of days. My thinking became clearer and I was far more functional, actually getting something done during the day. Or, so it seemed. I lost my job and was so close to being on the streets, and was thankful to already be on the medication at that time. But slowly things started looking up, and I went off the meds about six months later. That was over a year ago and I've been fine without them. Until relatively recently.

I've begun to notice that I'm falling back into that pattern of thinking in endless circles again. The more time I spend in that place in my mind, the less productive I am at home. I have all sorts of projects, really creative and great ideas, that I'm not working on. The piles in my upstairs are getting bigger and bigger. I have an opportunity to write articles that I'm not taking advantage of, even though it's what I want to do almost more than anything else. I spend all of my 'free' time sitting in front of the computer (facebook, email, and Craigslist) watching movies, or reading fluff. I've recognized that I'm in that rut, but recognizing is as much as I've done about it. Until today.

My daughter gave me a book several years ago, titled "The Artist's Way". She said that she'd always viewed me as an artist and thought maybe I'd enjoy the book. I was so honored that she thought of me that way. I promptly read the tenth-anniversary introduction, thought that it sounded good and might be beneficial...and that was it. I never picked it up again. I came across the book again the other day, and today I re-read that introduction. I've had an epiphany.

The author of "The Artist's Way", Julia Cameron, talks in the main introduction of how the book is a course; a tool for helping people free, or 'unblock', their creativity. Just in reading the two introductions, I've realized what my problem is. I don't need medications. I simply need to unblock my creativity so that what is going in circles in my head can get out of my head. My brain's just been constipated. Ha! NOW I'm excited!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Perspective, or perception?

Ten years ago I would have been disgusted at the way that I look now. How is it that we slowly become comfortable with what once was extremely un-comfortable? I have realized that I eat out of boredom. I started paying attention and found that I was shoveling food of all sorts into my mouth from the time that I got up until the time that I went to bed. I stopped doing that, and have lost 10 pounds so far. I have not been rigidly watching my fat or calorie intake, either. However, I'm still 30 pounds above where I want to be, even for a maximum weight.

The other day I was looking at photos of stars who made drastic weight changes for film roles. One example was Beyonce, who reportedly lost 20 lbs. in two weeks on some concoction of lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper...and I had to know exactly what it was! I started researching, and found the Master Cleanse. It turns out that it's not a diet at all, but a detoxification regimen that will also result in weight loss. This sounds like exactly what I need. I can only imagine the crud that is built up in my intestinal tract from 49 years of not eating right. In addition, a fasting period will help me to break the bad eating habits that I have established. I ordered the book from Barnes and Noble today.

I'm trying to focus on a healthy lifestyle. Although, I wasn't very successful this weekend. A friend took me to dinner Friday evening. We went to HuHot, which has tasty food, but it's cooked with a lot of oil. From there we went to shoot pool, which I hadn't done in some time. I drank way too much, leaving me worthless and totally unproductive on Saturday...which was exactly what I did not want to have occur. I really do wish that I'd insisted on just going to a movie, instead of to the bar.